Non-vacation consolation.

You know how people go on vacation and bring back souvenirs for people who didn’t go on the vacation? Um. Why?

Why is that a thing? “To let people know you were thinking of them while on vacation,” is what my mom would say. Which is funny because maybe the reason they went on vacation in the first place was to get a break from those people. And what kind of consolation prize is that, anyway? “I know you didn’t get to go on that amazing vacation I just got back from, but here’s a T-shirt showing how amazing it was.”

T-shirts, btw, are the worst sorry-you-didn’t-get-to-go-on-vacation-with-me gifts. Because people always ask about them. If you’re like me, anyway, and wear crappy old T-shirts to work-out in.

Wait. Does no one else wear crappy old T-shirts when working out in public?

No? So you buy brand new, nice clothes that you’re going to wear specifically so you can sweat in them? You purchase fancy workout gear just to ruin it? ‘Cause once it’s all sweat-stained who’s gonna want to wear that in public??

Yeah, so that’s me at the gym in the yoga pants (because I’ll splurge and buy yoga pants…because they’re the best) and crappy old T-shirt. The crappy old T-shirt that says “Aloha from Hawaii!”

Random Person From Gym: How was your trip to Hawaii?

Me: Oh, no I’ve actually never been.

RPFG: Oh. Well, it’s a nice shirt.

And then it gets even more awkward because they’re on the bike right next to me and have to finish their set but can’t leave early because I’d notice and it would make me feel bad so we ignore each other until one of us is done and shuffles quietly away to never speak to Random People From Gym ever again.

Maybe this is the reason people buy fancy new workout gear.

This is definitely the reason I’ve made it a point to never buy my kids a T-shirt from a place they’ve never been. When I come back from vacations without them (or working vacations, if there’s a gig involved) I return bearing gifts of toys and candy.

And no one ever asks where they got it from. But they don’t care anyway.

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